I’m coming very close to the end of my rope ‘o’ patience.
Come 7:45 am the school bell will ring again after a two week Spring break and it honestly couldn’t come a moment too soon.
Cassidy will be lucky if I don’t shove her butt out the door of the van drive by style as I cruise the parent drop-off loop in front of the school tomorrow morning.
Parenting this child is often times like having a lifetime bus pass for a bus with but one destination: Looneyville.
Have you any idea how utterly maddening it is to tell a nine-year-old to ‘come here’ or ‘put that down’ or ‘leave him alone’ only to be totally and completely ignored? Not just once mind you. I am not exaggerating in the least when I tell you that this child doesn’t listen. EVER.
I cannot tell you the shades of red she makes me see.
As we were driving home from an errand filled day today I’d heard just one too many screams coming from little brother in response to her taunting from the seat behind his.
I laughed out loud. Busted out laughing actually because, really, that was all I had left.
My laughter was in response to a train of thought that has been running on a continuous loop in my head as of late.
The scenarios vary but typically I fantasize about disappearing in an instant. Just vanishing. Beaming myself to a place where an eternity of struggle with this child doesn’t loom before me, a constant weight so heavy it prevents me from carrying something so light as hope.
I wonder if all parents of special needs children feel this way. Have these moments of utter, bottomless despair.
I hope so. I hope I’m not alone in that.
When she was born I wondered, in no quiet way, why God gave her to me.
I’ve come a long way since then, but I still wonder.
There’s a mantra I turn to in response to that question.
I am strong enough for this. Yes I am. If not me, then who?
Some days it helps. Other days it’s like swallowing bile; it leaves me bitter and sick to my stomach.
I think God spoke directly to me the other day though. Not aloud of course. I’m not one of those people.
He whispered to me though, as he has before.
He told me that He doesn’t expect me to carry the burden. He told me He’d carry it. Through me.
I need to let that sink in.
And learn how to take Him up on it.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I know exactly how you feel. I wonder why God gave me my special needs child. My friend, Angie, says he has alot of faith in me. That’s a good way to put it. My wonderful, delightful children are going back to school today too. Kicking and screaming…but I’ll drag them in.
I have a very special needs 6 year old. I understand and yes, I have those same thoughts and feelings. It’s hard. Really hard. Some days it’s impossibly hard. My son doesn’t listen either, ever…EVER. I get so tired of repeating myself. One week I had laryngitis. That was a bad week. A bad bad week. *shudder*
I don’t know the demands of a special needs, but I do believe He gave her to you for a reason and He is there with you. Prayers and God Bless!
Oh, I know you are not alone. I admire you so much, Darcie. And think you’re due for another trip with the girls… won’t someone put us together again? : )
Steph
She couldn’t have a better mom than you, whether you can see that right now or not. Sometimes distance helps with perspective though – I totally understand that.
I have to admit that reading this made me wonder again about our connection, because I had the strangest dream last night about you leaving your kiddos with me and going on a total bender. What was supposed to be one night just kept going and going. Maybe I knew you needed a vacation?
You are the perfect woman for the job! And, I know this because you turn to God to help you through.
I am right there with you, sista! There are days (oh, so many of them) that I too look down that endless tunnel and try not to despair. I have to think that God didn’t make a mistake… and one special needs kid out of seven isn’t bad, right?
Do you ever have those days where people tell you, “Oh, your child is so sweet!” and you’re all, “Are we talking about the same kid???”
I guess it’s good that they feel safe enough to be bad with us, that they know we will love them, but still.
I’ve been a mom for 25 years now, and it’s still hard.
This is so beautiful and REAL. I totally appreciate authenticity so much — and I cannot even begin to imagine how you do what you do. I will be praying that you will ALWAYS remember that He is carrying your burdens :-) what a great reminder!
Darcie, I’m praying for you today – I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I DO know that our Father so wants to help you carry this. And like you said…sometimes the trick is learning how to give it completely to Him, isn’t it?
Thank you for your honest post. Special needs or not, mothers of all children find comfort in knowing that other moms find themselves at their wits ends every once in a while or maybe even more often.
I don’t know about you but I can usually regain my composure once it’s bedtime and those mennaces are fast asleep. I trick myself into thinking the day wasn’t as bad as I thought. And then the morning comes…
Hang in there! The fact that you can talk so honestly about this tells me that you are probably the exact person needed for the job. Trust Him.
Having a million frustrations, these days, for my own 9 year old- I found myself clinging to your whispered promise from God… It made me feel the first second of true internal peace I’ve had in awhile… Thanks!
This was honest, truthful and beautiful!
Oh my goodness – Amen sister! I do not have a special needs kid, but my daughter who is about to turn 9 in exactly 8 days knows how to drive me straight to looney-ville too. I find myself in prayer about her night and day. Praying for the Lord to help me REALLY love her the way HE would. I feel totally inept at parenting some days but I know that God will love her through me too. My goodness, I love her so much, I WANT God’s love for her first because it is infinitely better than I can offer her on my own strength!
I’ll be praying for you, too, during my many times of prayer for parenting help.
These moments of frustration go hand-in-hand with moments of joy. Hard to remember when you’re “in the moment”. I find myself so fed up at times then one of my kids does something so sweet that I can’t believe I had felt that way. You are strong. You’re not alone.
You’re doing an outstanding job raising your kids, especially Cassidy! God is already using you as an example for other parents. There will be a special place waiting for you in heaven. I probably won’t even be allowed near you!
I think we all wonder, at times, “why me?” I know when Henry was first diagnosed with the hearing loss I felt a heavy dose of it.
I think you are doing a fantastic job. I think the frustration is natural. When you have a special needs child, I don’t think you ever “rest.” The journey is never over. It never ends. But then, it is a journey that not everyone gets to experience. You were hand-picked for this, Darcie.
Hang in there. You are doing awesome!
(((BIG HUGS)))
If you could beam yourself away, I’m guessing that in no time you’d be wishing you had some ruby slippers that you could click together to get back home again.
You’ve had two weeks on overload and you’re wiped out. That’s to be expected! Don’t be afraid to ask for help. God designed us to need other people. Give God the chance to work through the people around you, huh? You might not feel like you know anyone around there well enough to ask them for help, but you might be surprised by what happens when you ask people you don’t know as well. Sometimes you just need to put away the cape and tights, you know?
We all have our humbling, low, and often trying times, but I can honestly say, I can’t imagine what the daily life is like for you. But, I truly believe that God chose you because he knew you could make the best of it and be a stronger person because of this!
I hope this week back in school has offered some relief!
That’s beautiful, Darcie. You are a strong woman and a wonderful mom. God will indeed see you through. Sometimes it’s hard to “let go and let God” though, isn’t it?
As usual I love your transparency here.
What an amazing example you are to mothers with special needs children everywhere.
Anyone can love a child with special needs; especially a child as lovable as Cassidy.
But it is a whole differently ball game to love as a mother of a special needs child, and I appreciate the look into something I cannot truly understand.
Do the parents of special needs children ever hit the bottom of despair? I would venture to say, Absolutely! But it takes someone amazingly strong to stand up and say, “Yes. Yes I do. But I sometimes I come up from that pit, and I realize I’m stronger.”
Darcie, you are a woman of great strength. Love you for that…thanks for sharing your strength with us.
Oh, sweet Darcie ~ I have no idea what you go through each and every day. But I know that God is faithful. And He will see you through. This post was so beautifully written. I love how you are always so candid about something so very personal. You are an inspiration to all mothers. I’ll be praying for you!
Cool. I like that last line. I know it’s to be expected of toddlers, but I deal with ‘not listening’ on a daily basis as well. :) And I like your mantra, too. I have some that I repeat:
My child is a blessing and a gift from God. No, really, he IS. :)
God gave me this child for a reason.
God will give me the strength, patience, and wisdom to parent him in a way that honors Him.
And those truths help me through the days when I would like to scream…or disappear. :)
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