I got to go to the gyno’s office today.
Notice how I said “got to”? It’s sort of like how I “let” my husband run to the store for me.
So anyway, off I go for my annual exam. I even arrive 15 minutes early. And I’m pleasantly surprised when they call me back after only a ten or so minute wait.
In the exam room I proceed to undress and redress in the seafoam green gown that opens in the front and ties on the side. And then the white sheet goes over my lap just like the nurse lady told me to do.
He’ll be right in. She promises, before leaving me alone and shutting the door behind her.
Once she’s gone I look around and notice that there isn’t a single magazine in sight. Just jars of gargantuan one swab Q-tips and a 3-D model of a baby in utero.
About this time I was wishing I’d smuggled the magazine from the lobby. Especially because I hadn’t even read the cover story about Jon and Kate and their eight.
Tick tock went the clock.
More ticking. More tocking.
And then I started to get antsy. I could hear the doctor in the next room and based on what he said I could tell he was doing another annual.
Am I weird that I was relieved by that? I mean, if he’s going to be coming in and taking a gander at my nether regions and stuff at least I can take comfort in that mine aren’t the only nether regions he gandered at today.
Weird or no?
Anyway, I heard him finish up and call the patient by name when he told her goodbye, see ya next year.
And I knew I was next because she was the one who’d been called back from the lobby just before me.
So the doctor comes into the hallway and asks the nurse if he’s supposed to go into room 2 or 3 next. I didn’t know which number I was but I knew I was next. So I corrected my posture and checked to ensure I wasn’t unnecessarily exposed.
I wasn’t.
Not that it mattered because the dyslexic nurse sent him into the wrong room. UGH.
More time to obsess.
I remembered something then. And FYI, if you’re squeamish you may want to take your exit now while you still can.
I remembered that I had a lone, relatively long black hair at the edge of my areola. TMI, I know. But you were warned. And don’t ask me where that thing came from. Hormones gone awry or something.
So I remembered that the doc would be doing a breast exam and I suddenly was happy that he went to the wrong room because I’d have been mortified if the doctor who has seen my nether regions more times and in more unflattering positions than I care to reflect upon saw that lone black hair on my areola.
So I attempted to pluck it. But it wouldn’t freakin pluck. My attempts at plucking only served to curl it up so that it no longer looked like a relatively long black hair but now it looked like a misplaced you-know-what hair.
NICE.
Anyway. Eventually it plucked.
And I let it fall to the white sheet on my lap. But then I looked down and saw it and ohmygoodness I was so glad I caught sight of it before the doctor did because you and I both know what it looked like.
And then the AC shut off and it started to get warm. So warm that I began to sweat.
Fabulous.
We don’t even want to think about the ways in which sweat manifests itself in our nether regions do we? Not to mention the fact that he’d be checking my armpits during that breast exam too.
The alternative, though, would have been a cold room. A room possibly cold enough to leave certain parts of my anatomy a little too poised if you know what I mean. And what would be going through his head if I was too poised as he did my breast exam.
Great.
The moral of this story is that the less time you’re left sitting next to naked in the doctor’s office to obsess about what-ifs, the better.
Here’s the clincher though. The doctor finally made his way in and I managed to get through that breast exam part with very few awkward silences. So he has me scootch to the edge of the table and get all stirruped up and knees fall apart yada yada yada. Here comes the spotlight from hell. He assumes the position. And guess what? No speculum.
AWESOME.
So we wait for the nurse to go fetch one from one of the other rooms. Yeah. That wasn’t awkward.
365 days until I get to do it all over again.
But please tell me now so that I can take a little nugget of comfort with me next time: am I the only freak who obsesses about these things as I’m left waiting?
Or do we all hide our bras and underwear under our discarded clothes?
One last thing. If you happen to be a male reader (of which I know of only two) then I deeply apologize for that misleading title.
Carry on.
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, you know I love a good annual exam! There’s nothing like the salad tongs of death to really wake me up! And hey, I really enjoy it when it gets nice and hot in the room because my sweat will then make the gown stick to my butt and shred into little pieces just in time for the doc to tell me to put my feet up in the stirrups. Throw in a nice rectal exam and I’m just a happy camper. Oh yeah, nothing like a good annual.
I always take the magazine from the waiting room with me. I usually return it on my way out too, just so I don’t have to be left sitting and sweating and wondering and pondering and remembering “oh crap, I forgot to shave the legs”, etc. (And TMI, I have those “stray hairs” too – drive me crazy!)
I always hid my undergarments…always. I figured I was the only one. Like they’ve never seen undergarments before.
Oh the annual exam…I haven’t had one in a while. Your post reminds me why.
Oh girl, you have bravely written what some of us would only write in the blogs of our mind.
I am absolutely hide my undergarments under neatly folded clothes, and shoes lined up under the lone chair perched in the corner.
I also am sure to be shaved and plucked before I get to the office. Never is grooming a higher priority.
And really, the speculum fiasco?…a nightmare. Glad your are done for the year!
Oh boy. I have my annual this Thursday. Not looking forward to it but it’s important. I also hide my undergarments under the clothes. Hey – at least you didn’t have any little ones with you which is what I usually have to deal with too. It wasn’t so bad when they didn’t really get what was going on but now, I can only imagine the questions. What’s that??
I feel your pain. I guess if I had to choose I would rather be cold and poised then hot and sweaty.
It’s funny because as much as I hate sitting in the waiting room, I would much rather wait out there then in the back undressed.
I try to be the first appointment of the day so I can be as fresh as possible and it cuts back on the waiting.
Ugh. I need to schedule my exam.
Oh, dear. This was so funny. I was so embarassed for you. :) Yes, it is a very embarassing experience. I refuse to go to male doctors for this or for OB, but it is still embarassing. :)
I aways hide the undergarments, too.
Thank goodness that’s done and over with, eh? ;P
This from the teenager who wore mock turtlenecks and couldn’t stand to be in the lingerie dept at Mervyns, U R too funny! Always have hidden the undergarments as well. Must be one of those womens intuition things:)
I am laughing so hard. Why do we hide our undergarments!? I do it too. Try having the speculum just “hanging” there while your doctor looks for the swab for at least 3 minutes….Not fun.
I, too, ALWAYS hide my undergarments underneath my clothing. Isn’t that an unspoken cardinal rule or something?
I feel for ya on the awkwardness…I really do…ugh.
OHMYGOSH…I HATE when they take to long…I obsess also…I have to fully shower and Shave before I go there…and I don’t always do that for my husband. lol!
But at least it gave you something to blog about, right?
And, I totally hide my undies and bra! Must be some girl thing!
LOL!! That was hilarious – thanks for sharing!! That is why I have a female doctor!
I always hide my stuff too. lol
I can totally relate. I absolutely hide my undergarments in my folded clothes and worry about all the same things. The worst visits were at the end of my pregnancies, because you basically go through this once a week. Let me tell you, it’s awfully hard to make sure you’re perfectly shaved with a big watermelon belly!
The kicker for me is my Dr,’s office is in the hospital so there have been MANY occasions where I’ve been left sitting in the paper robe forever because he’s been called up to deliver babies.
You are Hilarious with a captial H, my friend.
I happen to have an OB/GYN whom I dearly love. He’s like a member of the family. I actually miss seeing him since we’re out of the pregnant-and-going-to-the-doctor-every-couple-of-weeks phase.
When we moved I refused to switch, so I drive over an hour to get back to him. And when Chris considered a job in Colorado, I informed him that he needed to budget yearly airfare for one into the salary proposal, because I absolutely will not ever leave Dr. Buck. Ever. A good gyno is hard to find.
Oh so funny! I am a very neat undergarment tucker too!
I totally hide my undergarments, which is so absurd because my midwife watched a 9 pound baby emerge from my hooha… I highly doubt she’ll be offended if she sees my bra sitting on top of my jeans.
lol. Obsessive pantie hiders unite! I fold them in to my clothes; you know, so they will still be well hidden in the event my clothes magically fall off the chair. I have also (depending on how tiny the said panties were) folded them and put them in my jeans pocket, because apparently it would be totally embarrassing for the lady that has seen me most often in a paper towel vest, stares down my womanhood, and feels me up once a year to know that on occasion I wear a thong. sheesh. I always worry about inappropriate muscle tightening, and flatulence upon speculum opening… they just get way too close. :)
You make me laugh. In a good way.
But I just have one question for you: why do you have a male gynecologist? Don’t you think having a female would make the visit less awkward (although still not pleasant)?
I am terrified of going to the gyno and have managed to bypass it so far – my midwife was kind enough to do my last one (and there’s NOTHING she hadn’t seen LOL).
I have decided that there is a direct relation to one’s level of nakedness and how long she must wait for the doctor in the exam room. Waiting is always worse when you are wearing a sheet and I always seem to have to wait longer when that is the case.
Hilarious. Oh, yes, I hide the Victoria Secret underthingies too. Folded inside my clothes.
what bothers me most? when the lady nurse/assistant sneaks a peak. I mean really. Just not necessary.
Most embarrassing moment? When I went into pre-term labor and didn’t have time to properly groom. What I learned? Always be prepared!
Oh goodness, that was too funny! Now that it’s over, right!? ;) I have a woman gyno and actually really like her. After the birth of my second, though, the very tall, large male gyno that did rounds had seriously large hands compared to my female doc. Interesting feeling…. Anyways… I hide too. (My panties and bra that is.) When DH was always with me for pregnancy appts. he just didn’t get the whole hiding thing. He’s like, “huh!?”
That article about Jon and Kate? From the NOVEMBER isssue of Good Housekeeping!! Typical waiting room fare!
Your post has inspired me to be creative with my clothing next time. I think I will hang my bra, possibly stuffed with that horrid doctor’s office kleenex, across the back of the chair with my shirt draped over it, and the pants on the seat with the legs hanging down the front and my frilly undergarments peeking out of the top. Like the invisible woman.
I’m weird, I know.
Ha, ha! Both you, Darcie, and the witty post before me!
Priceless post, Darcie! Like your other readers, I can relate. And I’ve made a mental note to bring my own reading material to my next appt just in case…. :)
Hiding the undergarments — check!
Look at everything in the room — check!
Always end up waiting forEVER while half naked — check!
Why is that? I’d rather wait in the waiting room with my book or a magazine than naked on the table with nothing. Have a heart, doctors!
Seriously you need a column! You always bring a smile to my face!
Love ya!
what??????? thats pretty gross sissy little
I think every male who just read that is GLAD they don’t have girl parts……
Yes. I fold my underpinnings up neatly under my discarded clothes.
But I gotta’ say – having BOOBS for the first time ever made my last exam tolerable.
I was a little…….. proud.
Hey, I haven’t posted on here in awhile… but I finally got myself back up to date on all your blogs!!
I loved this post, mainly because I can relate to it completely. I never even considered the fact that I hide my clothes weird.. but it is a little odd, now that I think about it. I also never understood the point of the gowns that open in the front. Why does it matter? They’re gonna see everything anyway…
My last annual exam was in December… and the nurse set out an expired test tube for my pap smear sample. The gyno didn’t realize it was expired until AFTER she had taken a sample of the tissue. So I had to get two pap smears. The (this is really gross — so anyone with a weak stomach should read no further!) gyno did the second one rather quickly — I think because she was embarrassed that she had to do two (and it was starting to get soer by this point), and as I sat up, I noticed that blood .. or .. fluids or SOMETHING of mine had gotten on the floor. GROSS!! *shudder*
But anyway, thanks for being able to see the humor in awkward situations such as these. :)
I typed that really fast…
*I meant that I never realized how hiding my underwear and bra is kind of weird and
*soer = sore.
Sorry. :)
this post (and some of the other comments) are laugh-out-loud funny!!!
i also neatly fold my clothes and make sure my underthings are tucked away.
as for having nothing to read, at least in my doctor’s office there are a bunch of pictures to look at… babies/kids my doc delivered, hospital pics with the doc, family pics, stuff like that. i wonder how people would feel if they stopped to think about how often their pictures were looked at by obsessing, nearly naked women.
I totally hide my underwear! I obsess about all the things I might have forgotten – mostly, I worry that my feet stink. Is that really really weird? I usually come to the doctors office from work and am wearing “work shoes” with no pantyhose (I live in TX)…I have always felt my feet have an odor, so when I get all stirupped up, I worry that my feet are so close to his head (never mind his actual face and hands are in my business) – I will usually take socks to put on and try to wash my feet in the little bathroom that is attached to the exam room.