Our Mall Outing. Oh Joy.

I took my four children to the mall today.  And yes.  I would like a round of applause thankyouverymuch.  I mean, I’m no Kate Gosselin, but still.  Four children.   To the mall.  C’mon.  You know that’s harrowing.

We were in search of some school clothes.  I’m blessed in that Cassidy could care less what she wears to school.  Or anywhere for that matter.   As evidenced by her choice to wear mismatched socks to her eye doctor appointment yesterday.  Not that I’m complaining.  Because if she’s happy letting me pick up the majority of her school clothes at Old Navy and Kohls…well, atta girl.

The older two?  Not so much.

The older two insist on shopping in those seriously unpleasant stores at the mall.  You know the ones.  First of all you can smell them a mile away because they honest to goodness pump cologne from the eaves of their storefront.  So much cologne that your stomach turns upon approach.  And they’re dark inside.  What’s up with that?  I’m certain that they dim the lighting so that parental types can’t see how skimpy the clothing is.  And then there’s the music.  Please don’t even get me started on the music.  There must be a reason that they blare it so loud, effectively making it impossible to communicate inside the confines of their darkened chambers.  Subliminal messaging probably.  Or maybe they just do that to tune out the employees.  Because.  Well.   They aren’t exactly valedictorian material if you know what I mean.  Honest to goodness, a salesgirl at Hollister greeted me today with, “hey, what’s up?”  And not a perky and bubbly “hey, what’s up.”  No.  It was as though I’d bumped into her at a party and she was about to offer me a smoke.

Um.  Yeah.  Hey.

I always wonder what those saleschildrenpeople think of me.  Today, for instance.  I slapped a pair of denim Daisy Dukes down on the counter while Torri sat nearby, though out of view, with her two younger tornadoes of siblings.  I hadn’t showered since Sunday yesterday so my hair was ponied up and slung through a baseball cap.  It took me a minute to find my wallet as I dug through the abyss of my anything-but-youthful purse.  And when the young man (whose impressive physique clearly had nothing to do with his being hired) announced my total I may have gawked a little.

I know I’m a mom of four.  But many people don’t.  Jeff has a picture of me and the kids sitting on his desk at work and people frequently mistake me for one of his children.  So I’m wondering if these mall employees do the same.  Are they eyeing the shorts I’m buying and thinking to themselves, “uh, really?”

“No,” I feel compelled to say, in spite of the fact that they didn’t actually vocalize their disdain.  “Those aren’t for me.  I swear.  They’re for my daughter.  She’s a freshman.  Whereas I would look like the covergirl for Age Denial Weekly, she can totally pull those off.  For real.”

Not that their patronizing expressions matter for long.  Because it’s certainly not as though I can calmly and collectively gather my entourage of children and inconspicuously take exit, leaving the salespeople snickering in disbelief behind their counter.  Oh no.  Cassidy surely will bust free of my hand on the way out and knock down a rack or twelve of clothing.  And then there’s Jayce who’ll sweep his arm across any and all surfaces low enough for his reach.  So that pristine pile of perfectly folded shirts that joint girl just spent hours folding?  Ruined.  Which wouldn’t be so bad if we could escape quickly enough.  But as soon as we step foot out the door I’ll realize that I left my receipt.  Or something more pertinent.  Like the red-head.

That, of course, is when I make good use of Torri.

Run back in there and fetch your sister why don’t ya?

And she’s always so happy to oblige.

Just wait til school starts and she realizes that those salespeople are the upperclassmen.

Then she’ll really love me.

It’s okay though.

Those clothes ain’t cheap.

I consider it payback. :)

12 Replies to “Our Mall Outing. Oh Joy.”

  1. Can I tell you that I am in a public place laughing my you-know-what off thinking about Jayce sweeping all the t-shirts off the tables? You poor thing… I did all my back to school shopping online this year, after Steve reminded me of what could happen if I took them with me :-)

  2. I think that Misty is on to something! After watching Mary Poppins yesterday, I think we could handle a good nanny. I’d even take a friendly chimney sweep.

  3. What was it you and your brothers used to do, fall down, flailing on the floor and dept stores and yell earthquake, was that it?

  4. I guess you dont get your writing ability from me…thats short for mom right I dont remember flailing around on dept. store floors..do you? I do remember the time we went to copelands sports and got oakley shades with croakies none the less..lol.hey darce you should post some of ur pics from ur highschool days..your were quite the fashion fanatic..haha.Hey J-mo am I mistaken or is your fireplace gas and you live in the desert.chimney sweep?

  5. Okay, not sure what part of this post made me laugh out loud the most
    “I’m no Kate Gosselin, but still”
    “…it was as though I bumped into her at a party and she was about to offer me a smoke.”
    ” Age Denial Weekly”
    “…abyss of a purse”

    Classic post and oh so true about these stores. Hollister scares me just a little.

  6. Oh, I’m not {that} old, but I can’t stand these stores either… The music is what gets me most. (Okay, and the fact that you can’t see anything…) Having to run in with the kids last year looking for something for DH, my DD was covering her ears and asking why the music was so loud!

  7. Man, I take a wide berth around the Abercrombie at Park Place Mall because I think I might get high off whatever they put in that ridiculously strong cologne pumping out the door. A store that you have to be eighteen just to take the catalogue for (because it’s pretty much porn…I thought they were trying to sell clothes??) is a store I don’t need to be spending my time in. Especially with my two little ones, who might see a rogue pee pee hanging out of some buff dude’s low-rise jeans…

  8. I take my 2 little ones to the mall frequently and I always hit Old Navy and The Children’s Place, and sometimes GAP Kids. Thankfully, my kids are at an age where I still get to dress them (they’re 2 and 4 years old) and they don’t complain too much. I’m dreading the day when they start voicing their objections! :)

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