My friend Heather tells me not to do it. But I do it anyway.
Watch Oprah, that is.
I can’t help it; she has some really great shows.
Even though sometimes she sticks her foot in her mouth, smack dab in the middle of a really great show.
Such was the case last week.
The show to which I refer was about marriage and how different countries/societies view it. It really was rather interesting. Until it became annoying, that is.
She had a correspondent visit Cairo and interview two different camps of women there: the ones with scarves (who cloak all but their faces) and the ones without. This segment illustrates perfectly why I like Oprah; it was utterly intriguing to hear from those women firsthand and gain a better understanding of why they do what they do.
Next up was an Indian couple who had married via an arranged union. Talk about fascinating. I cannot imagine such a thing, yet here was this couple–happily married for five years–who thought nothing of their lack of courtship. I couldn’t imagine such a life. Yet, by the end of their interview, I’d come to respect them immensely for the blind commitment they’d made to one another.
Up to this point I thought it was a great episode.
And then?
Then.
During a discussion on marriage in America, Oprah–who is yet to be married, mind you–went and said something to the effect of, everybody wants to be married but nobody wants to be the wife. In this case, by “the wife” she was referring to the partner who sacrifices his or her own career to nurture the family.
Now I’ve never been a career-oriented girl myself. I knew from a very early age that the job I wanted would not require a fancy degree or an internship in some Fortune 500. What I wanted to be was a mom. I didn’t have aspirations to travel the globe and make millions. My aspirations were much smaller. More localized. And they fit quite nicely into a three bedroom ranch house, picket fence and all.
As it turns out, the picket fence never materialized but the “career” I longed for is everything I’d dreamed it would be. My days overflow with laundry and dishes and groceries. I make appointments. Wheat bread. Dinner. I mediate and balance and tidy. I’m a teacher. A taxi driver. A nurse and a dietitian. I’m a damn good travel agent. A counselor. Banker. Spiritual adviser. I tie up loose ends and untangle knotty messes. I address, undress and redress. Bathe and bandage. Soothe and simplify. I’m nothing at all to most people but everything that matters to a select few. My job is to make soft the edges of this life–for the ones most precious to me. I do it every day and I like to think I do it well. And while it certainly is far from easy, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Of that much I’m sure.
Something tells me that I’m not alone in that either.
Each day I visit the blogs of women just like me. Maybe not my size or my height or with the same color hair. But women who sacrifice and rejoice, sweat and cry–all whilst pouring their hearts into the people who come home at the end of every day. They–like me–are “the wife”.
And proud to be.
I would be remiss not to point out that Oprah has–time and again–stated that moms have the hardest jobs in the world. She’s right you know; we do. And–in spite of what she said–Oprah does seem to have a great deal of respect for mothers from all walks of life. So I’m sure that the “wife” comment was a slip of the tongue.
But it was one I noticed.
It didn’t offend me. But it did annoy me. It annoyed me because there are a lot of women who would give anything and everything to be “the wife”. One of them being my friend Erin, who tomorrow morning will leave her two beautiful baby boys to go back to work. Her maternity leave has come to an end. And her heart is aching at the impending leaving she must do.
She wants to be “the wife”.
Many of you give thanks every day for your wifeliness.
I am honored to be “the wife”. And grateful for the blessings that allow me to do so.
So my dear Ms. Winfrey, I can assure you that not every woman in America is itching to get out the door so fast, in pursuit of success.
Some of us have found it.
Right here at home.
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Very well-written, as always. I completely agree. I enjoy both of my jobs… the important part time one, and the more important full time one.
I knew there was a reason I don’t watch Oprah.
Me too! Me too! *Waving hand in air* Great post! I hope someone at Harpo gets a whiff of it.
what an awesome post…I wouldn’t trade being “the wife” for anything! (except maybe for a role in a Broadway show! ;-)
Amen, sister.
You made me cry, but in a good way. You’re so right. I would love to be the wife. I never thought I would, but both Shane and I would love it if I could fit the role… and how insulting of Oprah to think otherwise. (Although I’ll be honest, if we’re picking jobs, I’ll take Oprah’s and Shane would probably happily be “the wife”).
Man I needed that today…have a BAD case of the mid-winter blahs. Thanks for putting it all out on the table. I’m off to do my blessed, God-honoring job…I’m going to be the wife. Let’s get these kids to school first.
Once again, well said! I saw that episode, too and also remember how that comment struck me!
Like you, I watch Oprah with a jaundiced eye. I respect her business sense and think she’s incredibly smart. HOWEVER, I know that whenever she has shows about “spirituality” or marriage, I’m not going to agree.
Thank you for your post…we all need reminding that our job is important and worthwhile.
Surprise, surprise, I totally agree. Being the wife is a good thing. And not all of us consider it a scrafice. Like you, this is all I ever wanted. (though admittedly I wouldn’t object to the assistance of a cleaning lady)
Oh good grief. I also know how to spell ‘sacrifice’ – I just can’t type.
By the time I got married I wanted to be a wife and SAHM. I had worked, travelled, hung out and did the party thing. So like you, I have to agree. I like Oprah but she isn’t always right. Some of us do want to be wives and we are damn good at it. Thanks for this post my friend.
So well said! I wish I could stay home, but it just isn’t in the cards for us.
Thanks so much for standing up for us SAHMs!
Great post. I don’t ever want to cook, clean, wash clothes, do errands, grocery shop, organize schedules or any of that. But if I won the lottery for an obscene amount of money I would gladly stay home and spend my days with my family. I love my jobs. Always have. But we are blessed to be on this planet for such a short time. If I had Oprah money, I would spend the bulk of that time with my family. I stayed home with my baby for 5 years. They were magical years. I hated all the cleaning, cooking side of it, but the days that we chased butterflies or fingerpainted are etched in my mind forever.
If that’s being a wife, than sign me up girl!
You always make me so proud and how blessed you and your family are, by the way, what is a SAHM?
It is biblical too…that is how we can feel so whole, because this was the intent of our creator. :) Well done Darc!
While I agree with your sentiments towards Oprah, your post makes it sound as though those of us who also work full time are not a wife, esp. when you discuss your friend Erin. I work full time and still take care of the house full time. I am a wife too.
I’m sorry if I offended you Christina. I didn’t mean to imply that at all. I thought Oprah’s comment aimed “wife” towards the spouse who stays at home. So I was simply explaining the perspective from someone who does.
No offense taken, Darcie! I just wanted you to know how the post made me feel. I appreciate the response. :-)
Glad to be “just a wife” myself!
I didn’t know that being “the wife” is what I wanted until I was living it. And I still struggle with the choice to surrender daily to my family and serve them the way He would have me do it. But when we discussed the possibility of me going back to work (when Husband was unemployed) I could not even fathom doing it. While I still have a lot of growing to do in my role here at home, there is no question it is where I belong.
You said: “My aspirations were much smaller.”
How wrong you are, my friend. Your aspirations were so large and so grand that your work is priceless. Well, literally priceless.
I like to think that the work of a wife is so valuable that it would be an insult to assign a salary to that role. So instead God gives us children and appreciative husbands and home-cooked meals and kisses and hugs and jammies till noon and dance parties in the living room and snuggling and running through the sprinkler and…if we’re really good at the whole wife thing, maybe, just maybe, we’ll get a ticket straight to heaven when this life is over.
Wonderful post!
Darcie,
i LOVE this post. I was just catching up on my DVR and I began to get a little sleepy/nappy when the segment got to that part. I’m glad I missed it. I couldn’t echo more what Jenny and Becca said. I’m a part time worker and my favorite job (most of the time) is the wife one.
Jenny put it best when she said that it would be an insult to assign a salary because it’s truly priceless.
Thinking of Erin today as well.
I loved this post as well, not because it lifts “the wife” to higher esteem, but because it does not demean her for choosing to be one.
Unfortunately, our culture makes a “no-win” situation for both the working mom AND the work-in-the-home mom….The Working mom is condemned for not choosing one over the other and the “wife” is considered stupid, worse- ignorant, for choosing family over her career…even if homemaking, marriage and motherhood is really the CAREER she has chosen.
I don’t watch Oprah for many reasons, however one of the big reasons is that her philosophy on marriage and the family is (and has been) skewed. Her statement about “the wife” is demeaning, both to wives who work outside the home, and those who don’t.
Excellent post Darcie. You said it so well and with such grace. As a mom of 4 who also has a career, I look up to stay at home Mom’s/Wives. I’m not sure I could do it. I often say that I work to stay sane. I love my kids, but I also love my career. And I am always saying “I need a wife!” Its too bad that Oprah didn’t include some Mom’s/Wives like me. The ones who have a career and nurture their families too. Its like having two jobs and the balancing is not easy.
Beautiful. Thanks for putting it so well.
This was a great post, Darcie. Erin amazes me.
Steph
Being the wife is the biggest, most important job I’ll ever have. It’s dozens of careers rolled into one. Nobody can love my family like I can.
Great post Darcie. I really really enjoyed this one. And I agree with you.
I am very thankful that I am here with my kids (even though I have days like yesterday) and don’t want to be anywhere else.
Like you, I always wanted to be a mommy, too.
Amen, sister- some of us ARE thrilled to be the wife and Mommy.
THANK YOU and AMEN!
Another happy to be home Mom and proud to be the wife!
Best job in the world!!!
Sometimes you don’t realize how great it is to be the wife until you have done it.
I used to think it wasn’t me, but really it is the perfect me.
Oh man. What I wouldn’t give for a handful of these readers, Darcie. I posted today about my own opinion about my husband working for a woman and let’s just say I was disappointed with a few comments. Pissed off, really.
It reminded me of this post, so I came back to it to see if you needed some extra support.
Apparently not. You have DREAM readers. (Whom I happen to agree with and support whole-heartedly.)
And you’re obviously more eloquent than I.
http://shejusthadtosayit.com/2010/01/i-was-so-born-in-the-wrong-decade/
Just came upon this blog, just read this post as I was scrolling down (your ring is beautiful, by the way) and read this and RIGHT ON!!!!!! I could say more, but it would take too long. THANK YOU for writing this post!
I hope you cc’d this to Oprah. She needs to read it.
I worked in the “glamorous” working world for 6 years and it gave me nothing back (well, a few–very few–friends). I’ve been a SAHM for just over 7 years now, and my pension package over flows.
There is nothing better than being a wife and mom. Just ask those that want to be, but aren’t or can’t.
p.s. Came to you through Soliloquy’s blog, and now I need to slink back over and leave a comment. *grinning whilst I tippy-toe off, stage right*