I decided long ago that I wanted to be a stay-home mom. This–I decided–because more than anything, I wanted to spend my days tickling tummies and reading stories and bandaging the occasional boo-boo. And I’ve done precisely that, for just shy of 16 years now.
Of course, there are also sheets to wash and meals to prepare and toilets to scrub. These are the less glamorous of my duties. But having eagerly accepted this role, I learned to take the bad with the good.
And then somewhere along the way, I got confused.
Somewhere along the way the laundry and shiny mirrors and crumb-less floors took priority over the tummy tickling. Storytime was put off until the dishes were washed, dried and put away. Impromptu chasing games had to wait until the bills had been paid and the checkbook had been balanced.
It wasn’t an intentional shift, but a shift nonetheless.
And then, to further complicate things, I got sidetracked by blogging and tweeting and status updating.
Not long ago I realized that all of this busyness had slowly but surely inched out my real responsibility: being a perpetually available mommy.
So here I am at a crossroad–wondering whether I should stay or go.
Selfishly I want to stay. But–in all honesty–the inability to read and comment on your blog leaves me feeling icky. I brought this site to life in order to establish a virtual community, not a soapbox.
I know that there must surely be a happy medium. It’s just a matter of me finding it.
I hope you’ll bear with me over the next month or so – as I attempt to do just that. And if–at the end of that month–I still can’t find it…well, then I might be slipping out the back door.
But let’s cross that bridge when we come to it. :)
What do you think? Do you struggle with the same issues?
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, gosh, I sure hope you don’t slip out the back, as I would miss your AWESOME posts! However, I know that I have made a lifelong friend in you and we would still keep up outside our blogs. I do understand where you come from. As you might have noticed on mine, with the addition of a third child…my blog has also gotten less attention and the commenting on other blogs…well, that has dwindled, too!
You know I do. But I don’t want you to go. :(
I struggle with it all the time, sister. But not really, if I seriously sit down and think about it. You see, my first job is MOM. No Blogger. And when I really think about it, I know that MOM comes first, and that all these people out here, well they have to wait, no matter how much I love this whole blog thing. Which is why my readership is nil, and why my posts seem infrequent, and why I don’t always comment. I’ve got bigger fish to fry, and in time, I’ll come back to this. I always do. But I’ll never be able to come back to Ella being three, Henry being six, William being 8 and Kate being 9. Never.
Do what you’ve got to do. But if you leave, I’ll miss you sorely.
I’m so sad. I knew this day was coming, and though it’s not the end yet, it might be near.
I love your posts, your wording, your pictures.
And I will miss seeing it if you decide to stop, but I know that I will still talk to you.
But if you’re looking for someone to talk you into staying, I’ll do it (happily!).
If this is something you decide you want, then God Bless you and your journey. I love to see my email with with your blog in it and that will be missed and so will those blue eyes, two hands, braces and then minus braces. Just know how much you will be missed.
This post brought tears to my eyes because I’m struggling with the same thing. I have been a Stay-at-home for 15 years, but the past several I have been trying to be “more” and as such, I feel that I have not been there for my youngest like I have for my oldest. If I’m not blogging or promoting my blog or reading and commenting on other blogs or tweeting or going to a blogging conference, then I am trying to figure out how to get my children’s book published. Don’t get me wrong, I love this part of my life, but it takes time away from mothering like I used to/want to. I am ashamed to admit that my daughter has not been read to or played as much as I would like. And we eat out too much. Of course part of my struggle is trying to make some money “on the side” to make our lives a little easier, but at what cost to my family? When my kids go back to school next week I plan to sit down and figure this out…..how to keep writing, but be the mother that I should be. My “plan” is to write during school, do social media stuff while kids are doing homework or waiting in carpool and be present at all other times.
And as for you, my dear, I do enjoy your blog and hope that you don’t stop writing…you seem to enjoy it as well. I hope that you are able to find that balance, but if you don’t, we just have to keep in touch in other ways.
Hi Darcie,
I know how hard it can be parenting young children and always being available. I also know how much you inspire those of us who read your writings. I hope you can find that spot that is perfect for you and your family. I also hope that you climb up on your soapbox and honor us with a word or two when it’s both convenient and enjoyable for you!
I do struggle with it. Especially going back to work now, I keep thinking, “How could I have spent ANY time at all this summer tweeting and blogging, when it should have been spent with my boys?” And granted, I didn’t really spend that much time and it’s just a silly thought, but you know how it is.
You know I’m not a blogger, but I struggle with the same sort of thing. I constantly feel guilty for doing chores when I’m not spending face-to-face quality time with Adam, but they need to know that there are other responsibilities. Right now actually I am using him not eating his cereal as an excuse for being on the computer, as I wait for him to take another bite. Nurturing yourself is an important part of parenting, so if this is your way of nurturing yourself you should find a way to keep it up, even if only occasionaly. And I say don’t worry about staying on top of other blogs, obviously coming from a non-blogger. Maybe its a matter of settting aside certain amounts of time daily for certain activities. I completely understand the desire to spend as much time as possible with Jayce before he goes to school, and maybe you’ll have more time to get back into it when he starts.
Set your priorities and follow your heart. Your blog is an inspiration to other moms and a terrific outlet for your daily challenges as a mom. It’s also a great way to keep in touch with family and friends. Finding a balance is key but something most moms seem to struggle with every day. I blog when I can. I read only a few blogs and leave comments only when inspired to do so. Right now, it’s all that I can give without sacrificing family time. However, I do feel that it’s important for moms to have our own outlets/hobbies in order to keep our sanity and sense of selves!
Your blog is an inspiration to me. And I love being able to be a part of your life across the miles. I hope you’ll continue in some capacity to return to Such the Spot!
And that is why, in an nutshell, I stopped writing on my personal blog. It was too absorbing, and I didn’t want to miss this time with my kids. As a compromise though, I still do write for Chic Critique — once every two weeks. It works well because I can still write (which I love), but the time commitment isn’t as extreme.
I’m with you. Not so much that it takes away from family (although at times it does) but all the tweeting and texting and busyness has pulled me away from using my brain…not that you can’t use your brain…but my blog has suffered for all the other social media chit-chat. All the talk takes away from my ability to even think…
And, like you, I want to read everyones blog, AND comment, but that takes lots of time, and often I’m reading out of loyalty, not so much content.
So, my long and somewhat ambivalent answer is “I don’t know”…but I do think that my days of posting everyday are over. And reading other blogs every day…well, that’s been over for awhile and although I always “plan” to catch up, that Reader File is like a monkey on my back…always calling…always filled!
A friend of mine graciously left the bloggy building this week…I think maybe the mommy-blog world is starting to wane…I don’t think we are alone!
“Not long ago I realized that all of this busyness had slowly but surely inched out my real responsibility: being a perpetually available mommy.”
I LOVE this. I’m totally with you on this. I’ve taken the month of blogging and I must say, I haven’t missed it much. I still check in on my fave blogs every now and then, but I agree with your assessment. It’s a delicate balance – one that we each have to figure out on our own. Best of luck!
I would miss your blog if you were to go. The way you put a phrase together is lovely. I look forward to reading whatever you have to say. And I still would even if it was weekly or monthly or …
We are always going to have expectations/duties/engagements that temporarily put an emphasis on other roles besides that of mom. And that’s as it shoud be. As long as we keep it temporary and always keep sacred our priorities.
We have to model for our children love, respect, kindness to them and to others, but also to ourselves. We want them to be kind to themselves when they become parents and allow themselves to enjoy, enrich and express themselves.
Darcie,
I whole heartedly agree with Kristin. I also feel just like Becca.
You have to do what’s best for you. I will be sad if you go, but full of understanding.
My way of “trying” to find the balance is to only, blog, fb, or tweet when the kids aren’t around. They are in bed or I’m at work or without them. Or like right now when I’m scarfing my breakfast and they are playing on their own. It’s a 10 min mom break that makes me more refreshed. There is still guilt though. :)
We talked about this last Friday…and I relate so much to what you wrote. If you go, I’ll miss your voice in the blogosphere immensely…but I will understand.
Also, I mentioned that I no longer post every day on my blog for similar reasons. Sometimes I post every 2-4 days…and that’s okay with me now. My family has to come first (and that’s all there is to it). :)
oh, sweetie, EVERYONE has this struggle.
i’m planning on heavily scheduling my september to try to find some balance, scheduling some serious kid-focused time and spending at least 3 nights a week without a laptop, hanging out with my husband.
we can do it!! xo
I struggle with this too, in a different way. You already know that I work full time and I feel guilty about it. I do love working and having something that I work hard out and accomplish outside of my family but it is really hard to do everything and I often feel like I let the kids down because I can’t attend a certain event at school during the day or go to a field trip, etc. I think we moms are filled with guilt no matter what we do. I will miss your posts if you stop blogging but I know you have to do what is in your heart and what is best for your family. Good luck in what you decide!
I don’t have a blog, and I don’t know you “in real life,” but I think I understand where you’re coming from because I’ve also struggled with the duties of the house and work (I work from home) and my 21 month old. It’s a delicate balance for sure. Again, I don’t have a blog, but I’m sure most of your readers are also moms who understand that you can’t comment on their blogs. Personally, I think you are such a gifted writer and I would sorely miss your writing!
Girl. I do hope you don’t go.
I struggle to a point, but honestly, I am not a stay at home kind of mommy. I mean, I love being at home, but I don’t so much love the tickling and the reading and the playing. I hate to say it, but I don’t. I love what I do; I love that it enables me to be around to kiss boo-boos and have impromptu snuggle times; but I need the virtual community, the busyness that designing blogs and writing my memoir and reviewing products and going to events provides. I was bored to tears when I had only one child and I didn’t have this.
I guess everyone is different and we all have different needs and desires, and ultimately you have to do what feels right to YOU. :-)
But can I just suggest, perhaps setting aside an hour a day? 30 minutes to visit and comment, and 30 minutes to write your witty and thought provoking posts. :-) This is my own selfish request, of course. Do what you have to do, but if you leave, you will be sorely missed. :-)
Darcie,
When I became pregnant with Loren, I had this vision of being the best most attentive and loving mother I could possibly be. Circumstances allowed me to be home with Loren until he was 3 1/2. Those 3 1/2 years were wonderful and the joy I felt from being able to be 100% available for my child was amazing. Then life took me into the world of single motherhood. Work, School, and life sucked it all out of me and I too struggled with what I felt was shelfishness. Now find my 3 1/2 year old 10 years old almost 11. Where does the time go? One thing I learned was although you want to always make yourself 100% available to your child/children, you are still a person, and although your children can define you in many many ways, you still need to cultivate yourself. I say, set your limits and enjoy your “me” time and do what you want to do. Do the things that do not feel is an obligation. You are an amazing person, mother, daughter, wife, & friend. I have faith you will find your way and something tells me, you will find balance.