The Gum Chucking Hellion

Some of you questioned the great gum chucking incident of 2010.

I can totally understand why you would question it.  It isn’t every day, after all, that a senior citizen hellion angel biker dude decides to throw gum at one’s vehicle.

The vehicle in question being mine, of course.

So here’s the scoop:

I was at my neighborhood grocery store, carrying a bag of groceries to the car.  I was in a bit of a hurry, on my way to pick up the little man from his preschool class.  I was also feeling all icky and head cold-y and just generally not in any kind of mood.  One of those weeks, know what I mean?

This is where I admit to my mistake.  Pay close attention here because this doesn’t often happen.

I sort of bent my head as I was stepping down from the curb and let the gum in my mouth fall to the ground.  Instead of walking it to the trash can as I normally would.

Honest to goodness, I don’t remember when the last time I spit gum out on the ground was.  Really.  And it’s no excuse, but I was feeling pretty icky and I just couldn’t chew on that stale gum for a single second longer.  Period.  So I spit it out at the spot on the ground where the curb meets the road.  A spot that really doesn’t come in contact with the shoe of a passerby unless he or she were to very purposefully stick his or her shoe in the crevice of the curb.

Still.  Not an excuse.

So anyway, I go about my business, getting into my car and fastening my seat-belt.  It’s right about then that I look up and see–sitting directly in front of me–the very obvious owner of the Harley Davidson motorcycle that is parked next to my minivan.  He’s sitting on a bench (that I hadn’t known was there) up against the building under a shade tree, and next to a trash can (also, that I hadn’t known was there).

I can see by the look on his face that he’s not entirely happy with my gum spitting.  And considering the fact that he’s a Hellion Angel (not sure of proper tense here but I like the sound of that) I opt not to make eye contact.  Because in spite of the fact that he’s clearly eligible for social security, you never can tell with those Hellion types.  Know what I mean?

Please don’t take offense if you own a motorcycle.  I’m a tongue- in-cheek-kinda-blogger.

So anyway, I start to pull out of my parking spot and I see him get up from his bench and walk towards me.

I go about my business, making extra effort not to look at him.

It is only when I am just about to drive off, having completed my backing out maneuver, that I watch as he very pointedly removes the gum from his mouth and throws it at. my. car.

Yep.  At my car.  For real.

So I did what any self-respecting un-hellion angel would do and I roll down the window and ask him, “Seriously?  Did you seriously just do that? ”

Hellion: Yes, I did!

Un-hellion (me, for the record): Did it hit my car?

Hellion: (shrugging nonchalantly) I don’t know.

At this point I’m left with no choice but to pull back into the spot I just backed out of.  I calmly dig through my purse for my phone before getting out of my car and walking to the rear of his motorcycle, camera phone poised and ready to snap a quick photo of his license plate.

This seems to bring the senior stud-muffin down a notch or two.  And he initiates more conversation with me.

Hellion: You spit your gum on the ground.

Un-hellion: Yes, yes I did.  But the difference, you see, is that you do not own that square inch of ground upon which my gum was spat.  I, on the other hand, do own this vehicle, at which you threw your gum.

Hellion: What would have happened if I stepped on that gum you spit out?

Un-hellion: It would have ended up on the bottom of your shoe.

Hellion: And then I would have gotten it on my motorcycle.

Un-hellion: Possibly, yes.  But if you think that the ground you walk on is spotless and pristine, you are sadly mistaken.

Hellion: Well you shouldn’t have spit your gum on the ground!  There was a trash can right behind you.

Un-hellion: You know what?  You’re right.  I shouldn’t have done that.  But I didn’t realize there was a trash can right behind me.  And I’m in a huge hurry.  And I’m sick.  And I’m sorry that you could possibly have stepped in my gum.  Really.  But in any case, you don’t get to go around throwing gum at people’s cars.  There are lots of other–better–ways to handle that.  You could have called me on it the moment you saw it happen, for starters.  You could have mentioned that you were sitting next to a trash can.  In which case I would have realized my mistake and been embarrassed and picked up the gum and then we could have avoided this entire ordeal.

Hellion: I’m sorry.

Un-hellion: Come again?

Hellion: I’m sorry for throwing gum at your car.

Un-hellion: Um, okay.  Thanks.  And I’m sorry for spitting my gum on the ground.

You’ll never guess what happened next.  Hellion retrieved his thrown gum (which didn’t hit my car, by the way) from the street.  He then walked towards my discarded gum and bent to pick it up, at which point I stopped him and picked it up myself.  Because, um, ewwww.

We walked our gum to the trash can and smiled before going our separate ways.

Not exactly the ending you saw coming, was it?  Yeah.  Me neither.

But all is well that ends well.

PS.  You can bet I’ll be saving my gum wrappers from here on out, in case of emergency.